I started with an autobigraphy, but after 2,000+ words of that idea Tuesday morning (Day 1 of NaNo), I realized it was nothing but "I remember..." and "When I was [insert age here]..." BORING. Also, I believe it's technically "not allowed" under NaNo rules. I went and took a shower and came up with a whole new idea; wrote another 2,000+ words in the afternoon while Tess was in preschool. No, I 'm not sharing it yet; it's nothing great, but it brings me to the computer every day and DUDE, 6,339 WORDS, I ROCK!
Somehow in the middle of this I have stumbled across old journals, people I used to read, people whose favor I curried, and I cringe. There is a whole world of bloggers and journalers out there (hee, I'm thinking of one in particular that used to call those of us who used HTML editors "pussies," now she's using LiveJournal). And there are blogs/online journals I'm currently reading that I have to fight to make me not feel like...less. Ugh, that old chestnut. Done. In the trash.
I have been journaling online since 1998. I can't prove it (...oh wait! yes I can). I've learned a lot about myself over the years and how I react to the world, how I write, and what I can choose to read and think.
We are heading up north this weekend and I have been fighting the anger that comes up every time I hear the disapproval and disappointment in my mother's voice over choices I've made in my life. How I'm taking care of Tess, my spirituality, my yard, for pete's sake. It's a constant onslaught, and I don't need to add my own criticism to the cacophony. Done. In the trash. Breathe deep.
NaNo is teaching me to let go this year. Last year I worked on a novel I'd been dreaming of, imagining, and researching for over 12 years. I couldn't finish it. I can't describe how much more liberating it is to work on a last-minute idea that I got while taking a shower.
Sweet, sweet relief.